what a difference a few years makes....

I have been thinking a lot recently about how Christmas has changed for us over the last five years. Five years ago Christmas, we were in the middle of trying to get pregnant with M. I was so upset that I wasn't pregnant yet - I could not wait to have a child. Looking back, it was such a short wait for us. We were lucky (really lucky, as I have a pretty strong family history of infertility issues) it was only 5 months of trying until we were pregnant - but I remember that December was so awful. And I was a mess....
A year later, M. was almost 2 months old at Christmas. I was on my 3 month maternity leave. My parents and my brother came to our place for Christmas Eve and Day. I remember us opening presents - and M. had more than anyone else. We only got her 1 toy from Santa - she didn't need a thing - but between family and church members and such, she had a huge pile of gifts that we all opened for her. I have a wonderful picture of that Christmas of my parents and brother sitting on the couch in our (old) living room holding M. - that was our last Christmas before my parents separated. Looking back, it is bittersweet.
The next year, my parents were separated and we drove up to the city where they live after Christmas to see them. It was the first time we visited my mom in her new apartment, and I remember walking in the door and practically running to the bathroom and locking myself in and just bawling. My parents' separation and eventual divorce hit me like a ton of bricks. And yet that was a really fun Christmas - M. was a toddler and so sweet about opening presents and just found joy in everything. This was also the year of 12 inches of snow on December 23 and another 14 on Christmas Eve. We canceled Christmas Eve services because of the weather and bitter, bitter cold and W. made a good start on earning sainthood by shoveling my car out of our driveway, which was off an alley that also had to be shoveled out, so we could get to see my parents.
The next year was our last before moving out here. We again went to see my parents after Christmas. This year was easier for me emotionally. We had a good time with my dad's family at his house. I remember specifically my cousin's husband, who is a PCA pastor, telling us we probably wouldn't like to live in Utah because of the LDS environment. He had a friend who lived in Salt Lake doing ministry for 2 years and his friend hated it. It's interesting to see the difference one's theology and worldview make - we really like it here, but we're not convinced we have to convert the state to be successful - which is the ministry model this cousin and his friend share. (far too much stress for me, but that's another post) This was also a really fun Christmas with M. - at 2 she was even more excited about giving gifts and had fun playing with her second cousins at Grandpa's house.
Last year, we had our first Christmas in Utah. I was pregnant with C., and getting really tired of people asking if I thought I would make it to my due date. (I am 5'4", W. is 6'4". I am short-waisted, and our babies are tall. They have no where to go but out - and so I got really big bellies both times. This is just how it is, and the constant questioning from people who should have just kept their mouths shut really got to me. Can you tell?) M. was old enough to really help with some baking and wrapping and such, which was fun. I felt mentally frazzled trying to get ready for a baby and for Christmas at the same time. And it was hard to be so far from family and not see any of my family for Christmas. W's mom came out 2 days after Christmas to visit, though, so we did get to see some family.
This year, I am thankful that C. has not yet started pulling ornaments off the tree. (we put the tree up on Friday) She is into everything these days. I am looking forward to Christmas morning - watching the girls open presents will be fun. I am sad that none of my family can be here - but, we can't really travel to them easily either. And my mil is coming again right after Christmas. And my mom is coming in January (to house-hunt - she is moving here in February/March - again, another post) And I am feeling more settled.
And, I am passing on baby stuff. The majority of the baby stuff we have is stuff we were given. We are pretty sure we are done with babies, and our church is buying Christmas presents for about 10 moms and their kids at a meth recovery group home - and 3 of those kids are babies who have very, very little. And so, in between finishing up shopping and wrapping and mailing cards this week, I am sorting baby clothes and such - giving thanks for my babies, remembering the Baby of the season, thinking of those waiting for their own babies, and praying for all those babies who have so little in this world, and feeling a chapter of my life closing. Joy, hope, love, peace - my Christmas will have all of those. And I pray, and I fold little outfits and bag them up, that they will bring the same to the moms and babies who receive.